There I was, walking out to my mailbox expecting this month's issue of "Hot Granny Panties Monthly" when what did I find instead? A fucking political flier for the local Indianapolis Republican Party. Since I like being such a well-informed voter, I decided to track down some of the people featured on the flier online.... You know... to see what they stood for....

Michael Hegg - Ballot 98

First of all, I could easily make fun of Mike's site. It's got garbage all over, doesn't render right, has a broken image, and the damned title is "Home". But making fun of a Republican's website is like making fun of an Amish housewife for not knowing how to use a Microwave. Instead, I'd like to make fun of good ol' Mike's looks:

On the flier I got in the mail, Mike is all pimp and fly in some dark suit with black shirt and white tie. He looks like he could be a Mafioso or something. But on his website he's just a doughy, pasty, white turd with a "I secretly like buttsex in the butt" grin on his face and a bad haircut. What the fuck, Mike?

And what's with the text that looks like it was written by someone with a severe mental handicap?

- I hope that after reading this site, that you understand Why I have decided to run for the Office, and What I would like to do as Your Representative, if elected!

Is there some secret message hidden in the strange capitalization of certain words?

....W....O....W....Y....R.....?

No, no secret message.

And what's with the incorrect usage of commas? And why the exclamation point at the end? Are you threatening me?

Bah! You'd think someone with a Bachelor of Science degree in Criminology would be able to fucking write coherently, but I guess not. Gee, Mike, I'd love to read all about you so I can understand Why You have Decided to Run for the Office, but that first fucking line is so retarded the concept of spending any more time in your shitty site makes my nuts shrivel up.

Michael Jezierski - Ballot 118

What the fuck? Another Mike? Gads! Well, this Mike is more trendy than the last one, his site is hosted on Blogger! I wonder if he has a MySpace page and types "LOL! =^.^=" when he text-messages his girlfriends at night all the while secretly wishing he had a vagina instead of a penis?

Of course, the real comedy is Mike himself. Mike is a portly fellow, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing (I'm pretty hefty myself). What is a bad thing is the pompous way he looks at the camera in his pictures. Seems to remind me of another pompous and portly fellow I've seen somewhere before...

Granted, Hitchock's pomp was all an affectation... Something tells me Mike's here isn't. In fact, I need no further proof of how full of himself he is than to read the three-word blurb of who he is at the top of his page:

Republican. Patriot. Biker.

Holy fuck! Sounds like some raving lunatic who would sit quietly festering in the back of city council meetings waiting for them to open the floor to the citizens so he can stand at a microphone and blast the room with his hateful, paranoid, self-righteous rhetoric, doesn't it?

....Oh wait... he has a picture of himself doing just that...

Nice Three Stooges tie, Chunk, now sit the fuck down so the rest of us lunatics can get our chance to yell and point fingers.

Janice Shattuck McHenry - Distric 06

I'd love to hear all about Janice's views and political values, but her web-presence left a little to be desired. Instead you're greeted by a tiny picture of a woman who looks like she'd drive across the country in a diaper just to stab the woman who "stole her man" in the neck.

Tom John - Marion County Republican Chairman

Okay, this guy isn't running for anything. He's just the chairman of the local Republican mob. I'm only including him so I can say one thing...

Tom, dear, Ted called... he wants his look back...